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A Mother’s Struggle to Trust

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Not again.

Clutching my Bible and prayer journal, I retreated to my favorite chair, eager to spend some time with the Lord. Well, that’s what I told myself anyway. I really just wanted to feel better.

Here I am, Lord. I scratched the words on the page, searching for where to begin. Worship filtered through my headphones, the uplifting beat of the melody marking a stark contrast to my mood. My mind tuned to the lyrics, “All we need is You.”

Instantly, conviction pierced my heart with the unsettling knowledge that I didn’t agree—at least not that day. That day I needed more than Jesus. I needed Him to fix things.

Guilt compelled me to confess. I’m sorry, Lord. I want you to be enough, but this is too much . . .

A jagged scar from an old wound had just been torn open. The familiar longing for acceptance tugged at my heart, crying out for satisfaction. Rejection had found me again. But this time, it had come for my son.

That changes things. I can handle the battle when I’m at the heart of it. I’ve learned to trust God’s plans for me even when I can’t make sense of them. He’s proven Himself faithful over and over again.

But this felt altogether different. This wasn’t about me. This time my child’s heart had been shattered, and I desperately wanted to fix it. I can’t be expected to idly watch one of my precious ones suffer.

My heart rebelled at the injustice of it. Anger mingled with the pain, begging retaliation. This wasn’t fair. He deserved better.

God should do something.

Soon His gentle Spirit stirred within my heart, lifting the veil so I could see. Realization dawned, penetrating my grief with this undeniable truth: God knew. He understood rejection. He understood the pain of seeing His Son cast aside—of wanting the world to recognize His great value, yet seeing it deny Him.

“He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him.” John 1:11, ESV

In that moment, I knew His suffering. I felt His pain. How the Father must have wept when they rejected Jesus. How He still must weep as we repeatedly devalue His only begotten Son . . . the Son He loves . . . the Son He gave.

Hope flickered through my sorrow, God’s own understanding of my feelings encouraging me to press in close. I asked Him to speak to me, to help me trust Him with my own son’s fragile heart. I needed Him to help me believe what I knew His Word declared: that His plans for him are far greater than my own.

True to who He is, God answered. Once again, His Spirit stirred, reminding me of truth. God never allows suffering for its own sake. Suffering, according to Scripture, marks the path to glory.

“But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:13, NIV

Then I knew. God had glory to reveal in my son’s life.

This pain would pass, and God would somehow bring good through it. It wasn’t what I would choose for him, but the God who created Him and wrote his story knew what I couldn’t. For whatever reason, my son needed to walk through this. His despair would not be in vain. Through it God would reveal Himself.

I sat in the stillness, pen in hand, and listened, inviting the God who speaks to do so again. Soon His quiet whisper stirred within me, and I found my hand moving once more across the page.

He is mine, beloved, just as you are mine. I AM greater than his pain . . . than your pain. You will soon see.

A promise.

Tears fell in response, my heart hopeful. God always keeps His Word.

I thought of Abraham and how he must have felt as he placed his son, Isaac, upon that altar. I imagine he did it with trembling hands and a breaking heart. But place him there, he did. And Isaac received the blessing that came through his father’s promise.

God had spoken blessings over my son as well, and I had a choice to make. I could retreat into my anger and justify my sorrow. Or, I could trust God to keep His Word in my son’s life. I could fight to change things and try to manipulate his circumstances so I’d like the look of them better, or I could choose to believe the God who speaks and entrust my son to Him with open hands.

I decided I wouldn’t withhold him from the God who loves him even more than I do . . . and then it came. I experienced Jesus’ promise from John 14:27,

 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.” ESV

The wonder of it always astounds me. I can’t explain the how of it. I simply revel in the miracle of it. But when I run toward Jesus in my confusion instead of from Him—and I listen—I find peace.

It happens the moment I resolve in my heart to believe.

Carry Your Cross

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Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

I’m guessing that’s not one of your favorite scriptures.

I get it. Your flesh cries out in rebellion against such commands. Deny myself? We spend our lives trying to indulge the desires of our “selves.”  That goes against everything in our nature. And carrying a cross doesn’t sound very fun. No one likes a burden. So those first two make the last one seem pretty unpalatable.

Why would I want to follow Jesus if to do so I have to deny myself and carry a cross?

Why, indeed? I’d like to suggest something that perhaps you haven’t considered. What if the fact that we find those commands so unappealing confirms how very important they are to overcoming the enemy and experiencing abundant life?

Here’s the truth of the matter: The enemy of our souls likes keeping us under his thumb. He’s been governing our sin nature since man’s fall at the beginning of time, and he’s not keen on giving up control. He enjoys the chaos and destruction he generates in our lives as he bends our wills to bring about death, all the while convincing us we’re free and making our own choices.

Maybe you didn’t realize that. Yes, dear one. If you don’t choose to submit your will to God, you’re already submitting it to the prince of this world, the ruler of the kingdom of the air (Ephesians 2:2).

Your will is not your own. You only think it is.

In 2 Timothy 2, Paul challenges believers to call on the Lord out of a pure heart. He says this about opponents of truth in verses 25-26,

Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

You see, beloved, your sin nature rebels so strongly against self-denial, because the enemy of your soul doesn’t want to lose his grip. He’s convinced you to believe that you’re free to do as you please. Meanwhile, he quietly pulls the strings. The “I” that you think is making your decisions actually has a master.

 “As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. “ Romans 7:17

Precious one, allowing sin to continue to govern your “I” eventually brings about death.

For when we were in the realm of the flesh, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in us, so that we bore fruit for death. Romans 7:5

Because sin governs them, following our own passions and desires will always hurt us eventually. So can you understand, beloved, why the first step in following Jesus to new life must involve denying what your “self” insists you need?

When Jesus asks you to deny yourself, He isn’t trying to take away your right to choose. He wants to restore it to you! He simply wants to set your “I” free from the destructive rule of sin. Then the person He created you to be—your personality, your deep passions and sense of purpose—the real, unfettered you can emerge to step into abundant life. And your soul can soar with the joy that comes with it.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

Not so bad, right?

But what about taking up that cross? We know what it meant for Jesus. Death.

Beloved, the only death coming to you through the cross belongs to the sin that binds you. Remember, even for Jesus, the cross became the means to resurrection life. It offers the same promise for you.

That cross represents God’s beautiful will for your life. Yes, Jesus carried an actual cross up a hill to Golgotha, bearing its shame and shedding His blood so that you and I could be free. He lived out God’s will for Him so that we could live redeemed. Now that cross remains a symbol of what God wants to see lived out in each of our lives. “ . . . not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42).

But we forget what else that cross represents. What became available to us through that cross?

Love … forgiveness… the Holy Spirit… mercy… grace … freedom… sonship… power

Beloved, when Jesus asks you to take up your cross, He invites you to take up all that comes with it. He wants you to take up God’s will for your life, just like He did. He asks you to believe that He intends to prosper you and not harm you, that He means to offer you hope and a beautiful future (Jeremiah 29:11).

He also welcomes you to take up everything He poured out for you through His cross to empower you to step into the abundant life He’s planned for you.

The question is: will you believe? If so, there’s one thing left to do.

Follow.

Trading God’s Presence for His Promise

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Sometimes life just gets hard. Especially when we find ourselves in the desert.

Hungry. Thirsty. Dying inside. Definitely tired.

You know what I mean. Have you ever set out toward a blessing, believing God for one of His promises, but it seemed to take forever to get there?

And the longer it takes the more doubt sets in. Weariness saps your strength. And when you and I get weary, we get desperate. We’d do anything for a quick fix, an easy way out.

What would you be willing to sacrifice to leave the desert?

Imagine that Jesus were to approach you today and offer to carry you off to heaven to bask in all its blessings  . . .

  • Eternal life without sin
  • Perfect healing and an end to sickness
  • No more sadness, sorrow or tears
  • Mansions and streets of gold
  • Surpassing love and unending joy
  • Transcending peace

But there’s a catch: He wouldn’t go with you. Would you accept it? If you could leave the pain and struggles of this life today, exchanging it for the glories of heaven, but you’d have to go without Jesus, would you go? Would the blessings be enough for you without Jesus to share it with?

I caution you not to answer too hastily. What we know to be the “right” answer doesn’t always mesh with the truth of what lies within our hearts. I know this from experience. When we invite Jesus in on the conversation, we may be surprised at what we discover about ourselves. I was.

Your honest answer to that question will reveal a lot about your heart. Do you seek Jesus, or do you just want the benefit of His promises?

God gave the Israelites a similar offer in Exodus 33. He had miraculously delivered them from their Egyptian captivity and led them to Mt. Sinai. Then while Moses met with God on the mountain, they thanked Him by building and worshiping a golden calf.

God’s response to them may surprise you.

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Leave this place, you and the people you brought up out of Egypt, and go up to the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, saying, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’  I will send an angel before you and drive out the Canaanites, Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites.  Go up to the land flowing with milk and honey. But I will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way.” Exodus 33:1-3

Can you imagine? Israel had not been faithful to Him, but God always remains faithful to His word.  And He had made a promise to Abraham that He intended to keep. God would indeed bring the people into the land He promised them, and He wouldn’t send them alone. He would send an angel before them to clear the land of the enemies living on it. They could just walk right in.

God offered Israel an easy path to quick prosperity in the land of milk and honey, as well as a gift of divine power to claim it. It would end their desert hunger and thirst. It almost sounds too good to be true.

It might be. There’s a catch. God Himself wouldn’t be going.

Perhaps that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. I mean, that’s what we’re after, isn’t it? We want to experience God’s blessings and promises. I wonder how many of us would jump at that opportunity today.

Let’s see how Israel responded.

 When the people heard these distressing words, they began to mourn and no one put on any ornaments.  . . . Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?” Exodus 33:4, 15-16

Dear one, any blessing we might receive from God isn’t worth anything without God Himself. Israel understood that, even with their constant rebellion and habitual lack of faith. God Himself is the reward. They wouldn’t take another step without Him.

What are you really after, dear one? Is Jesus merely the means to an end, or is He the end you’ll pursue by whatever means?

What would you be willing to do, beloved, to truly know God’s presence? Would you trade the easy path in order to know His sufficiency? Would you go to battle to experience the working of His strength? Would you forfeit a miracle and experience loss to truly know His comfort? Is His presence worth whatever encountering it may cost?

Perhaps it’s time to start believing Psalm 84:10,

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.

Jesus is everything, dear one. He wants to be everything to you.