When Praying Costs You

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7

I. Love. Cheese.

Passionately. Cheddar. Asiago. Parmesan. I’ve always lived by the mantra that cheese makes everything better. Especially when melted.

Until a few years ago, that is, when a surprise autoimmune diagnosis stole dairy from my life in one shocking moment of disbelief. I wish I could say that was all. Hopelessness descended like a shroud as the doctor ran down the list of things I couldn’t eat while we tried to reset my gut so my immune system would stop attacking me.

Essentially, I was allowed to eat meat, fruits and vegetables. Oh, and nuts. The doc was kind enough to throw nuts back in the mix after an apparently disturbing glance at me. He must have a soft spot for women on the verge of tears.

I think perhaps we all go through times when life seems to throw one curveball after another. This was one of those seasons. And dealing with loss, two cancer diagnoses in close family members, ministry challenges, and hurting children, life feels a little easier with comfort food. Don’t you think?

I’ll admit I gave in momentarily to that inner dialog that occurs when something doesn’t seem fair. I already eat far better than most of my friends and family. I exercise regularly. Logic says this shouldn’t be happening to me. I’m actually making an effort to take good care of my temple.

But suddenly I found myself in a place where God seemed to require more. And when I first heard the news, I wasn’t sure I wanted to give it.

Who wants to give up cookies, brownies and ice cream? Or even mashed potatoes, for crying out loud? And let’s not forget the cheese.

But even before I met with God in prayer to begin to sort all this out, I knew. He was already working. This had filtered into my life through His own hands. You see, I’d been asking Him for something for several years. Something I prayed with bold faith and expectation. This broken vessel had been crying out to God to manifest the cross’s power in my life. I had repeatedly asked Him to empower me to live the promise of Galatians 2:20.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

The crucifixion of our flesh is something we like in theory but rarely care for practically. It’s one of those themes in scripture we often skirt around. We may have the guts to crucify things we view as big, obvious sin. But what about those things that don’t appear to us as sin at all? What about things that may even appear good to us but somehow hinder the race He’s called us to run (Hebrews 12:1)?

I had repeatedly asked Jesus to put to death every bit of my flesh that resists Him. I want His Spirit to reign over every part of me. And I believed my words as I proclaimed these desires to the Savior who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Until He began to show me how much I really resisted Him. Apparently, I didn’t mean the part that loves cheese and baked goods.

Let me be clear here. I don’t believe Jesus viewed my eating habits as sinful. But I do believe He offered an opportunity. He invited me to trust Him on a deeper level by surrendering something good for something greater. And my yes unlocked a grace I could only experience by willingly walking with Him into the unexpected.

You see, we humans tend to compartmentalize. We’ll readily give Jesus access to some places, but others we reserve for ourselves. We’ll give Him our service, but we guard our cravings. Deep down, we believe we have a right to them. And we wrap it all up with the notion that our God of blessing wants us to be happy.

And He does. He just wants to be the source of that happiness. He wants us living the glory of Psalm 16:11.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

God doesn’t want us seeking to find joy in His blessings. He wants us knowing He is the blessing.

Sometimes surrender is easy. Sometimes we go kicking and screaming. But the question remains. Will we go?

Will we ask Him to take us to His very best for us and be willing to follow where He leads? Will we go even if no one else goes with us?

Even though my flesh at times resists Him, I’m thankful for a God who answers prayer. And even though the road is often hard and bumpy, He’s worth the trip.

Victory over my flesh wasn’t the only thing I’d been asking God for. I also prayed for wisdom and understanding of His Word that will break open the darkness binding much of the church and release His bride to shine brightly as He intended.

Look at what link He showed me between those two things.

But Daniel resolved that he would not defile himself with the king’s food, or with the wine that he drank. Therefore he asked the chief of the eunuchs to allow him not to defile himself.… And in every matter of wisdom and understanding about which the king inquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters that were in all his kingdom. Daniel 1:8, 20

God honored Daniel’s fast with wisdom and understanding that astounded the world. Only He knows how He’ll honor mine.

I’m not arguing with God anymore. Hopeful expectation has overshadowed that feeling of hopelessness. The King of Kings stands ready to move in my life as I willingly submit and trust Him with my future.

He won’t disappoint.

Oh, beloved. What are you willing to seek God for?