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A Thirsty Soul, Part 2

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by Juliet Sharrow

Last week I shared how God met me in my deepest pit and intervened when I tried to take my own life. He not only sent someone to break down my door, He showed up Himself to sing His love over me. I am still amazed by the thought.

You might think that at this point I surrendered my life to the Lord. Nope.

Instead I thought I deserved to be punished, not just for trying to take my own life, but for all the bad choices I had made, for all the times I had turned from God and went my own way. I was so ashamed! Surely God could not—would not—want me. Surely He could never forgive me. How could He love me after everything I had done?

And so I ran, right into the arms of an abusive man.

This man was not my husband. I chose to live in sin even though I knew in my heart it was wrong. When he hit me the first time, I knew I deserved it. I deserved every beating, every broken bone, every humiliation. I had been searching for love for so long, I was willing to accept any love I could get, even love that hurt.

I suffered beatings and torture every day, and I would think, maybe today he’ll kill me, because I knew I deserved that too. I died inside a little more with every beating, every humiliation, every broken bone. Each blow confirmed what I already knew in my heart of hearts: No one could ever really love me. No One would ever want me; I was too broken and too damaged.

Satan worked his magic through the fists and words of an abusive man, but God still had other plans for me. Even though I had turned from Him yet again, He continued to pursue me.

This time He sent me a precious gift, a life saving gift. He sent me a child.

I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. I would love my child in all the ways I had not been loved. I would somehow make it all right. I just knew that this child would satisfy my thirsty soul.

Finally, my son was born. In my whole life I had never felt what I felt for this child! It was a love I could not understand. I loved him with everything that was in me. And I thought I had finally satisfied that longing, finally quenched my thirst.

But when I brought my son home from the hospital, I was still waist deep in my pit. I remained in a very dangerous, very abusive relationship with my son’s father. I was afraid for my life and for my son’s life, but I was too scared and too weak to do anything about it. And, I was still living in sin with a man who was not my husband. So I prayed that God would change my abuser so we could be a family. That’s one prayer I am thankful God answered with a no. Instead God began to change me.

First I had to learn to love myself, and I had to come to grips with who I really was and what was motivating the decisions I made. I learned that my need to feel loved had consumed me, and had so twisted my thinking that I was willing to allow a man to hit me and torture me, as long as he told me he loved me. And I learned that I needed to take ownership for my part in this relationship. You see, I allowed it to happen. I stayed. I covered up the bruises and broken bones and lied about them. I made excuses for his behavior. All because I believed I was unloved, believed I was not worthy, believed I deserved it.

Then God began to change the way I saw my abuser. Eventually I got to the point that I loathed the man I once loved, hating every minute I spent with him. I even cringed at the sound of his voice. I no longer saw him through the tainted view of desperate love. Instead I saw the reality of who he was. I believe God was working in me to prepare me to leave. He had to change my heart and my thinking about myself and about this man to give me the strength to go. He needed to get me to a place that when I came face to face with my Lord there would be no looking back, no going back!

During this time, my love for my son only grew. I took many beatings to protect him. I cried out to God to save him from my fate. And one day the revelation came: someday, this man would hit my son. I could not let that happen. I would do anything for this child, and he deserved a better life than this. I loved him so much I’d die to save him, and that’s when God changed my life forever. He spoke right into my heart, “Don’t you see? That’s how much I love you. I gave up MY son for you!”

I thought of John 3:16,

For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son…

I realized that God so loved Juliet, He was willing to sacrifice His son for me! I could not understand how He could love me after what I had done. I had turned my back on Him so many times, and I chose to run the other way even when He met me as I lay dying.

But the sins of my past didn’t matter. That day God reminded me how much He loved me. He reminded me how He had sung over me as I tried to take my own life, reminded me that He had offered me the gift of grace through my son. And He reminded me that He would always love me, no matter how far away I ran, or how many times I turned my back on Him or how many bad choices I made. He showed me how He had pursued me and met me time and time again in my moments of greatest need.

No matter what I look like, or what I’ve done, He loves me as I am! He loved me first. And this time when my God met me in my circumstance, I turned to Him. I received what He was offering me, the water of life. I had no regrets, no thoughts of running. Just an overwhelming sense of relief, that all the searching and all the pain was finally over. And the void I had been trying to fill for so many years was finally filled.

My encounter with God saved my life in more ways than one. I finally found the strength to leave my abuser. And I found the love I had been searching for since the day He knit me together in my mother’s womb, in the arms of my heavenly Father.

Our God works in ways beyond our comprehension. He sees our whole life laid out before Him, and He knows what you and I thirst for. He knows what it will take to get us to turn to Him, and He knows precisely when we finally will. And so He has written it in the stars, for each and every one of us, a clandestine date when He meets us face to face in the midst of our pit to offer us the water of life.

You can be sure He will go out of His way to be there. The question is, will you receive what He is offering you? Or will you go away thirsty and continue your futile search to fill the emptiness inside?

Please know today that NOTHING in this world will quench your thirst. Nothing else will satisfy. Only Christ can give you what you are searching for. Only He can refresh your weary soul and breathe life back into your hopeless world.

And when you allow Him to do that you will be able to come full circle and step into what He has planned for you! I am excited to get to give back to victims of Domestic Violence. God has taken my mess and made it my message!

For the last 3 years we have been working alongside the staff of our local women’s shelter, partnering with them to provide help with rent, utilities, clothing & food—basically whatever is needed to help other victims survive. And now that we are officially a non-profit ministry, we are proud to announce our new outreach program.

Love LIVES:  Living In Victory & Empowering Survivors

We aim to meet the needs of victims by providing financial, physical, emotional and spiritual support through our mentoring program.

In the coming weeks we will be sharing more information about our vision and how you can partner with us to make a difference in the lives of these families! In the meantime, would you join us in prayer for the many hurting victims in our communities? Those who are parched, thirsty and searching. Those who need to know the Love of God, so they will never thirst again!

Weakness: Your Greatest Weapon

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If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. 2 Corinthians 11:30 ESV

We don’t often like to admit our weaknesses. I spent years trying to hide mine. Let’s face it. We want others to see us as capable, confident, and strong. Few of us like to admit our vulnerabilities to ourselves, never mind acknowledge them to others.

Have you ever thought about why, dear one?

Seriously. Have you ever taken time to contemplate what’s behind the world’s disdain for weakness?

Perhaps you’ve never considered this thought before: The notions of this world are established by its prince (John 12:31, John 16:11). Satan himself pulls the strings to set up the ideals that govern this world. And he has decided that we should fear, despise and cover our weakness.

So why is he so intent on crushing weakness and promoting self-sufficiency?

Beloved, the enemy fears your camaraderie with weakness because he understands that your weakness holds the key to unlocking God’s strength. God reveals and perfects His power in weakness.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Dear one, your weakness might be the greatest spiritual weapon you possess in your arsenal. It is through your weakness—not your strength—that Christ’s power comes to rest on you.

As followers of Jesus, you and I have been given a great gift. The Holy Spirit resides within us, the same Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead (Ephesians 1:19-20).

And 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 teaches,

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

You, my friend, are a clay jar housing the light of the glory of God.

The enemy tries to keep our attention firmly fixed on the jar. He whispers that our value emerges from its strength. And he keeps us very concerned with its appearance.

But when we look closely at our clay shells, we see obvious evidence of wear and weakness. Life’s hardships have left us with tiny chips and cracks. Things like rejection, abuse, loss and disappointment have left conspicuous marks.

And we have been taught to despise weakness, so we work hard to hide them. We busily camouflage our chips and cracks with polish and pretense, trying to maintain the appearance of a perfect vessel. A vessel the world accepts.

Beloved, we fail to realize that every crack in our pottery provides a place for the light of the Spirit within us to escape and reveal His glory.

What if we stopped trying to repair and maintain our own jars of clay and surrendered them instead into the care of the Potter? What if we began to acknowledge our cracks and stopped trying to cover them? What if we even went so far as to break the jar?

Gideon knows a thing or two about the power of a broken jar. Perhaps you’ve heard his story. God found him threshing wheat in a wine press, hiding in fear from Israel’s enemies. Yet God called him a mighty warrior and then used weakness to defeat strength. He led him to victory over the vast Midianite army with only 300 soldiers.

You might be surprised at the weapons God instructed them to use. The men didn’t carry swords and shields. Instead,

. . . he divided the 300 men into three companies and put trumpets into the hands of all of them and empty jars, with torches inside the jars. Judges 7:16

Do you know how Gideon’s army defeated the enemy? They sounded the trumpets and shattered the jars, revealing the torchlight hidden within them. The enemy saw the light from the torches surrounding their camp and fled in confusion. Then,

. . . the Lord caused the men throughout the camp to turn on each other with their swords. (verse 22)

The value of the jars didn’t come from their appearance or their strength. They had value in the battle because they were easily broken. And their weakness allowed for the true weapon to show itself. Their frailty revealed the light within.

Beloved, the enemy does not tremble at the sight of your clay pot. But, oh, how he trembles at the light he knows you carry inside.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1 Corinthians 1:25

Our fear of weakness has done exactly what Satan intended it to: it has made us weak.

Our fear of weakness has done exactly what Satan intended it to: it has made us weak. Click To Tweet

Are you ready to trust God with brokenness, dear one? You may just be amazed at the power you see unleashed.

The Father’s Love

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This week’s post comes from Juliet Sharrow, my dear friend and assistant in ministry. Her story reveals God's great power to redeem. I pray that it will bless you and help you to know that you are never alone, no matter how desparately isolated you feel. No matter your circumstance, your Heavenly Father rejoices over you, and He will never abandon you. Be blessed, dear one.

 

Guest Author Juliet Sharrow

I was 21 and my life had spiraled into such a deep pit, I saw no way out. I was in pain, pain that I could not bear. All I wanted was someone to love me for me, to accept me the way I was.

I never felt loved as a child. I was never told I was pretty. No one told me I was good at anything. I felt unloved and ugly, like a failure.  And because of this, I did what failures often do. I made one bad choice after another trying to earn love and acceptance. By the age of 21, I was finished. I decided to kill myself.

I knew in my heart that no one would miss me. I knew that I was doing everyone a favor. I had convinced myself that this was the answer.  This would make the pain go away. I was desperate to make the pain go away!

Have you ever been there, my friend?  Willing to do anything to make the pain go away?  Maybe you didn’t resort to suicide for your way out. Perhaps you turned to alcohol to dull the pain, or drugs to help you forget, or maybe the arms of a man to try to fill the emptiness inside.

I saw death as my only escape, so I made up my mind and took a whole mix of pills.  I went to sleep knowing it would soon be over; I would never be in pain again!

But God had other plans for me. He sent paramedics to break down my door and save me from myself.

As I lay there fading in and out of consciousness, I heard singing!  Just one voice—a man’s voice—so tender and sweet, singing, “I will always love you . . . I will always love you . . . I will always love you . . . yes, I will!”

 Zephaniah 3:17 teaches,

" . . . He will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

I should have died that day. The doctors did not understand how I made it. But I did.

You might think at this point I surrendered to God. No, not me!  Instead I knew I deserved to be punished, not just for trying to take my own life, but for all the bad choices I had made, for all the times I had turned from God and went my own way. And so I ran, right into the arms of an abusive man.

When he hit me that first time, I knew I deserved it. I deserved every beating, every broken bone—every humiliation! For almost 3 years I was beaten every day, and I would think, maybe today he'll kill me.

Then God sent me a precious gift, a life saving gift. He sent me a son.  And how I loved that child! I took many beatings to protect him. I cried out to God to save him from my fate. And one day the revelation came. I would do anything for this child, and he deserved a better life than this. I loved him so much I'd die to save him, and that's when God spoke into my heart, "Don't you see? That's how much I love you. I gave up MY son for you!" 

I thought of John 3:16. “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten son…” And I realized God was saying He so loved Juliet that He gave His only son to die for me!  He loved me enough to sacrifice His son for me!

I had never believed that God could love me unconditionally, because I did not understand unconditional love.  I had never known that kind of love.  I never knew my real father, and the man who raised me was strict and unloving, even cruel at times.  He was always condemning, punishing, and berating, never forgiving and loving. So I thought my heavenly father must be the same.

That day God revealed to me how much He loved me, and He showed me He’d always been there. He reminded me how He had sung over me as I tried to take my own life.  He reminded me that He would always love me, no matter how far away I ran, or how many times I turned my back on Him, or how many bad choices I made!  

Having my son showed me what unconditional love was for the first time. And so my love for my son saved my life in more ways than one. I found the strength to leave my abuser. I found new life and love in the arms of my heavenly Father, love no one on earth could give me.   And God showed me there was purpose in all my pain.

Do you know the Father’s love, my friend?  Have you allowed Him to sing over you?